A few days ago, I talked about The Trial of Fallen Angels. Written by James Kimmell Jr. the book tells the story of Brek Cuttler, a deceased lawyer who finds herself defending people at the Final Judgment.
In Trial of Fallen Angels we see a number of characters, who both present and live through their past hurts again and again. For these characters it is a matter of justice. They want to the put the people who hurt them on trial, but in continually reliving the past, they end up being the ones most hurt. In the end, it doesn’t even matter whether the hurt they’ve experienced is genuine or significant, because by constantly pursuing “justice” they are robbed of peace and wholeness. In the case of Brek, the protagonist of Kimmell’s book, she walks around as someone with three gun shot wounds in her chest. When others see Brek, this is who they see. She is someone disfigured by her injuries. This is more than symbolic, since Brek is someone who is both wounded in body as well as spirit.
Trial of Fallen Angels reminds me how it can be hard to live with our own past.
Like many people, some of the most difficult times in my life took place in high school. I’ll never forget something that happened during my sophomore year in my high school gym class. I had complained to my gym teacher, because he made us perform tumbling exercises. As an awkward and uncoordinated teenager, tumbling didn’t come natural to me. I asked the teacher if I could skip this portion of the class. My gym coach was a Vietnam veteran and coach of the football team. When I questioned him, he took it as a personal challenge. The entire gym class stood in line facing him. He then called me out and questioned my sexuality. Suffice to say when the gym and football coach questions your sexuality in front of your peers, it pretty much puts a bulls-eye on you. It’s open season. Yes, and this took place in a supposed Evangelical Christian school.
This is something I’ve never forgotten. I can replay exactly what happened that day. I remember it was a sunny day. I can remember the yellow short shorts we used to wear to gym class. Yes, it was the 1980’s. I remember all of my classmates standing in a line at my side and I remember the embarrassment and shame as my gym teacher mocked me.
I’m convinced most of us have these kinds of stories. These are the stories when a trust was betrayed, when you felt minimized or hurt by someone else. It’s hard to know what to do these stories as time passes and you grow older.
As people of faith and followers of Jesus we understand the importance of forgiveness. We know how Jesus talked about forgiveness and how he forgave us. We know how Jesus’ death not only reconciled us to God, but to one another. We would like to simply place these kinds of stories on an excel spreadsheet on a column marked forgiven and move on with our lives and yet it’s not so easy. Forgiveness takes time.
Last year in a small group, I was asked to share my life story. In my life story, I shared many of my stories about a painful church experience. On the whole it was a helpful experience, because it allowed me to see my life as a cohesive whole. I connected the dots of my life. I poured out myself and shared it with others in a non-judgmental setting. This is me. This is who I am. In the end it allowed me to gain some understanding and context about my life, but it was also really hard.
Every moment in our life is part of a story.
When I watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”, I hate the middle part of the movie. I hate watching the self-hatred and desperation of George Bailey. I hate watching George give up on his dreams. When his Uncle Billy loses the money from the Savings and Loan, I can barely bring myself to watch my television.
I’m yelling at Uncle Billy, “Turn around! Open up your newspaper. You’re forgetting the money!”
Usually, I just want to skip to the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life”, when all of George’s friends come to his rescue, they sing Christmas Carols and the bell on the tree rings in exultation, telling us that Clarence finally earned his wings.
Our life offers the same lesson. While I may wish to skip to the ending, those middle parts and even the painful parts give context to the story. Watching the difficult parts of “It’s a Wonderful Life”, give me the opportunity to appreciate and rejoice with George Bailey at the very end. He’s indeed the richest man in town.
There is a kind of value in remembering the hurts we’ve experienced in life, if only so we can appreciate those good parts of our life. Like it or not, our life is made of a thousand puzzle pieces. On some of those puzzle pieces we see light and on others we see darkness. Each piece is an essential part of a larger and greater picture.
I don’t pretend to understand the meaning behind why things happen in life. In the end, my conclusions may do little to relieve your own grief or anger about the events in your life. I can only tell you what has been helpful to me, and how this is something I’m still working through.
As a person of faith, I believe God has the final word over my life. He loves me and nothing, no bully, nothing and no one will come between God and me. He is like one of those people who come to George’s home at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture. . . None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.(Romans 8:31-39 Message)
There are things in my own narrative and story, I should never forget. . .
- I should not forget my past hurts, because this is the story God has saved me from. In God’s sight, I stand not as one condemned, but as one loved, blessed and redeemed.
- I should not forget my past hurts, because this story helps me understand others who have been similarly hurt and minimized.
Yes, sometimes I would like to turn off those painful parts of my memory. These stories of hurt are a part of me and occasionally I even dream about them. I replay them again and again in my memory. I’ve also come to realize that many of my insecurities, fears and even my occasional fits of anger are the result of having experienced past hurt. I am trying to compensate in the present and find justice in the present for what has happened to me in the past. In the aftermath of my response, I often feel ashamed and depressed.
This has been a remarkable realization for me, and it has given me some traction in renouncing those parts of my past.
“No, I don’t want to live that way anymore.”
“No, Jesus has come to save me from my past.”
“No, Jesus loves me despite my past.”
“No, Jesus has something better for me.”
“God, please help me to forgive.”
There is a tension and a balance between remembering and forgetting. It’s a balance we even see in the Bible. There are things we should remember and things we should probably try to forget.
I don’t want to be the person who relives and recounts his past hurts again and again. I don’t want to be the person who, in seeking out justice, ends up even more wounded. There is a place for the difficult stories of my life, but I have come to realize that these stories have a limited shelf life.
Justice is a scary thing. It’s something I want for others, but if I lived in a totally just world, what would the result be for me? I shudder to think.
Thank goodness, God is merciful.
In light of God’s mercy and forgiveness, I should hold those stories of my past loosely. I should forget the sins of others, even as God has forgiven my many sins.
Anyway, I’m still figuring it out, this post is way too long and this is where I am today.
